Three Cheers for Carol Crenshaw
From A Carol's Christmas
CHAIRMAN: We are here today to honor Carol Crenshaw
As this company’s most recent CEO.
So I’d like to take this moment to be the first to say
How deep my feelings for Ms. Crenshaw go.
Three cheers for Carol Crenshaw.
It’s hard for me to know just what to say.
[The Chairman ceremoniously opens a decorative box as he continues.]
So I offer up this gift in lieu of speeches.
[He pulls a dart out of the box and aims carefully at the portrait.]
I wanted to make a point [THUNK!] of thanking her today.
[The Board cheers. Carol has turned away to bask in the glory of the ceremony, so she
doesn’t see the real meaning of their “tribute.” She cheerily hums along
with the festive song as she marches around the room.]
CHAIRMAN: Mr. Pierson, come on up.
[Mr. Pierson walks up to the podium and addresses the Board as they cheer him on.]
MR. PIERSON: As the first employee fired by Ms. Crenshaw,
I will try to put my pride upon the shelf
And make my contribution to this tribute.
[Mr. Pierson pulls out a gun.]
Now, let me take a shot [BANG!] at thanking her myself!
[THWANG! The bullet hits Carol’s portrait between the eyes. The sound startles
Carol. She turns to see the gun and realizes that the Board is mocking her.]
CAROL: What? No! This isn’t right! That’s not what happens!
ALL: Three cheers (Hip, hip, hooray!) for Carol Crenshaw!
The sentiments we show today are real.
And now that Dear Ms. Crenshaw has left us all for good,
We wanted to make it a point [THUNK!] to show her how we feel!
CHAIRMAN: Mr. Haywood, you wanted to say a few words.
[MR. HAYWOOD, the heretofore-unseen victim of one of Carol’s takeover plots, takes
the podium.]
MR. HAYWOOD: When she stole away my business in a merger,
Her ruthlessness inspired me the most.
So to show you that I harbor no hard feelings,
[Mr. Haywood pulls out a piece of toast loaded with jelly.]
I gladly take this chance [SPLAT!] to offer up this toast.
ALL: Three cheers (Hip, hip, hooray!) for Carol Crenshaw!
The sentiments we show today are real.
And now that Dear Ms. Crenshaw has left us all for good,
We wanted to make it a point [STOMP!] to show she how we feel!
[As the music continues, the Board Members line up in two rows facing each other. The
Chairman produces a pie shell.]
Three cheers (Hip, hip, hooray!) for Carol Crenshaw!
The sentiments we show today are real.
You were the eggs in “eggsclamation.”
[They add an egg to the pie shell as they pass it down the line. As the song continues,
they add the other ingredients: whipped cream, applesauce, soda pop, icing, and a cherry.]
And the cream of the crop.
You were the apple of my eye.
And were as sweet as soda pop.
You were the icing on the cake.
With a cherry on top.
[They ceremoniously process toward the picture with their offering.]
Thanks, Carol Crenshaw, for giving us the chance to show you how we feel!
[The Chairman pushes the loaded pie onto the picture. The Board Members CHEER loudly
as they return to their seats to continue with the meeting.]
© 1996 Ross D. Martin, MD, MHA